Wednesday, March 14th, 2007...10:31 am
Sick chick
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The comments attached to this message, along with my replies, originally were posted to the sign-on blog entry, “OK, now what?” But because the individual making the comments – identified only by the deceptively benign handle “Lit Chick” – immediately changed the subject and tore off on her own agenda, I thought it was appropriate to place them under their own heading. If you follow the comment chain to the end, you will understand why this is the last you’ll be reading about Lit Chick. Unless it’s in the police blotter.
12 Comments
March 7th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Hellooooooo!!!!! Is anyone home? Are we all still on our best behavior here, or can we let ‘er rip?! Yes, there is a book involved (a colicky love child, in need of tender ministrations, lest he die in the cradle) but does that mean we have to be reverent? Is the fickle consumer standing by, sulking in the the electronic wings, waiting to be offended by the slightest off-color remark? Or can we damn it all, thumb our noses at GOD ITSELF and get down to bidness?!
Just asking.
March 7th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
By all means, fire away. I simply adore Chick Lit.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Okay, as they say in your beloved Hollyweird, “Let’s cut to the chaise.” As a life-long feminist, I am perhaps hypersensitive about the way women are portrayed in the popular arts. Subtle clues about your true feelings re: “Les Femmes” appear to be scattered throughout Keep It Reel. As the curtain rises we find that our hero, Ted Collins, has undergone a terrible betrayal at the hands of his beautiful wife. She has left him for a powerful man, and successfully denied him all but supervised visits with his daughter. My question is this. Are you scared of women? Beautiful, sexually confident women in particular? Women who can have any man they want, just by bending their darling little pinky fingers? Have you been hurt, Bill? Has someone done you terribly wrong?
Just asking.
P.S. – I loved your book! Read it cover to cover in one sitting! (Luckily I was wearing one of those new Nasa-approved nappies, so no harm done!)
March 10th, 2007 at 8:30 am
Well…. Sniff…. It’s been three whole days, and you still haven’t responded to my last message…. So, what’s a girl to do? I guess I’ll just have to stop checking your new blog every thirty seconds now, and leave you with one last thought. You’ll regret not writing back to me Bill Bryan – you’ll regret it when they drag me out of the bay, with your name written in sharpie on my cold blue dead forehead! You INSENSITIVE BASTARD!!!! How DARE YOU IGNORE ME!!!! Good luck juggling your big book launch with fighting a MURDER RAP!!! You self centered A-hole!!!!
You know, I’m a mature woman. Sure, I’ve been around the block a couple of times – but I thought that in you, I had found something different: A real man, capable of loving a real woman. I only wish I had clicked on MY LIFE three days ago! That little slide show of yours says it all, Buster! Either you married your daughter, or you dumped your faithful, long-suffering wife of twenty years just as soon as you got the slightest taste of FAME, you son-of-a-bitch! Either way that makes you EVIL! EVIL!! EVIL!!!
So, good luck “Bill” (if that’s even your real name!), and remember, every time you leave your house for a personal appearance, every time you read a passage from Keep It Reel aloud to a room full of doting fans, every time you sign some hottie’s copy of your bestselling new novel – I will be there, thinking about the best way to humiliate you, ruin you, destroy you!
Unless, of course you come to your senses, and agree to meet me for cocktails tonight. I know a discreet little bistro I think you’d quite enjoy – it’s just over the hill in the valley, so we’re sure not to run into any of your swankie westside friends…
So… I guess the ball’s in your court again, sweetheart… Let me know…
March 10th, 2007 at 9:18 am
Dear Chick,
I certainly intended no offense by my silence. I was just a bit thrown by your previous posts, inasmuch as “Keep It Real” is still more than two months away from publication, and thus very few people have had the opportunity to read it. I wondered if perhaps you were actually some sort of “bot,” i.e. software programmed to scour the web for new sites launched by neophyte self-promoters like myself, automatically incorporate a few details from the summary page to flatter me, then try to sell me some expensive but sure-fire way to become a featured selection of Oprah’s Book Club.
Now that I understand you are a flesh-and-blood person, with real feelings (in all candor, perhaps an overabundance of same), I shall make every effort to show you the respect you are due as a reader and a woman. I regret that I cannot accept your invitation to cocktails, however, as I am indeed happily married. But perhaps if you emailed me a recent, unretouched photo, it would help foster a more meaningful author/reader relationship.
BB
March 13th, 2007 at 11:29 am
Dear Bill:
Oh… “Happily married,” you say? I see… And is this your second “happy marriage,” or is it your third, or even your fourth blissful union, sweetie pie? Come on… You don’t fool me. I know your type. That balding head says it all: “Testosterone! Come and get it!!!” How would Number Four feel if she knew you were soliciting photos of me on the web? Hmm? Apparently “happily married” doesn’t necessarily mean faithful, does it Billy Boy?
I was wondering when you were going to ask how I got my hands on your book. Let’s just say that certain individuals – powerful individuals that you had the balls to lampoon, satirize, and ridicule in your little book – have read it, and are weighing their options. To give you a clear picture, the Xerox copy I read had enough highlighted passages marked SLANDER! to keep a dream team of high-priced libel attorneys employed for a dozen years.
Still, no one is interested in giving you any free publicity, are they darling, and by all acounts, whatever money you may have made in “the industry” has long since been absorbed by alimony and child suport payments, so, your newly-minted enemies are just going to wait, hoping your “comic masterpiece” dies on the vine. Of course, on the off chance it doesn’t, you can expect a legal shit storm, baby, and don’t be surprised if you lose the wife, and the baby, and the house in Pacific Palisades in the process, just like Ted Collins does in your precious story.
Unless. Unless, Bill. Unless you do exactly as I say. I can make this go away for you, honey. I can protect you. I can nurture your talent. I can help you take your gift all the way to the top. But life is a two-way street, honey, and you’ll need to do something for me too. Something wonderful. Something… Mmmmm…
At first, I felt that your request for a recent photo was simply shallow, and beneath consideration, but then I realized that it was only fair – after all I know what you look like, don’t I?
Unfortunately, I allow my picture to be taken less frequently than J.D. Salinger. So, I have e-mailed you a copy of a portrait that was done of me a few years ago. It’s true that I am no longer quite the debutante you see in this painting, but I’m far from over-the-hill, Bill. Just to give you a hint, Madonna and I were born the same year.
So, once again….
The ball, Bill, the ball…
March 14th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Dear Readers,
I regret that I have been forced to ban Lit Chick from making further blog entries, and I have permanently deleted her account. Lit Chick’s increasingly unhinged insults and taunts played no part in this decision – as anyone who is familiar with my work knows, unhinged insults and taunts are my principal forms of expression. And I don’t mind getting as good as I give.
The cause of Lit Chick’s banishment is not her words, but rather this picture, which I received today via email:
I have nothing against casting oneself in the best possible light – after all, I live in Los Angeles. But I have plenty against a sicko who somehow manages to gain entry to my home, snaps a photograph of a cherished portrait of my dear, late mother, Mary Louise Bryan, and claims that it is in fact a picture of her! What kind of a desperate, depraved woman are you, Lit Chick? Or are you really a woman at all, or rather some overgrown Nancy-boy, who not-so-secretly wishes he’d been born without those hideous, tormenting testicles?
No matter. The case of Lit Chick is officially closed. Rest assured that I will be much more careful in the future not to let my overly tolerant nature get the better of me, or this blog. I appreciate everyone’s interest in my work, and I won’t waste any more of your time on such demented nonsense.
But you have to admit, my mom was pretty hot.
March 15th, 2007 at 8:50 am
Bill:
It’s Doug. Kathy mentioned that you were having some trouble with your blog. I called your old number but it has been disconnected, so I am leaving you a quick note here.
Lit Chick shouldn’t be too hard to track down. She emailed you the photo – no doubt from a made-up account – but there are ways to crack that.
Also, in reviewing the blog stream, it is clear that the fact that she had access to your unpublished book, and your mother’s portrait, suggests that she is someone with a key to your house.
Let me know if you need my help.
Yours,
Douglas Kelton
President
Discrete Detection, LLP
March 15th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Long time no speak, Doug. I think of you every time I read something in the paper about your former colleague Anthony Pellicano, and I worried that maybe you might have joined him in an 10×6 guest suite at Club Fed. But I guess ol’ Tone is at least good at keeping his yap shut, huh?
Thanks for the offer re Lit Bitch, but I think I’ll let that sleeping dog lie for now. But email me your number, just in case she shows up and tries to boil my kid’s bunny.
March 19th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Bill:
Great seeing you yesterday. You’ve come a long way since the Night Court days.
On the business front, I make it a rule to almost never say this to clients, but in your case I can virtually guarantee results.
Please thank your beautiful wife again for the lovely spread she put out. You sir, are one lucky man.
Truly,
Douglas Kelton
President
Discrete Detection, LLP
March 19th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
What sort of results are we talking about, big guy?
March 20th, 2007 at 8:02 am
Dear Mr. Bryan:
A courtesy reminder.
Mr. Kelton has informed me that Discrete Detection, LLP, has installed our Premium Home Surveillance Package at your residence in the Pacific Palisades.
This is just to remind you that with the Premium Package, all of the cameras that our team installed on Monday feed directly to our headquarters.
While this insures absolute round-the-clock security, with a trained associate monitoring the feed from each of the rooms in your home at all times, it is
also important to remember that only the master suite remains totally private.
Thank you for you trusting us with your complete security needs.
Truly,
Madelaine Shank
Senior Vice President
Customer Relations
Discrete Detections, LLP
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